The 9 people you meet at every work Christmas party

The Eager Newbie

He’s only been with the company for five minutes but he’s determined to make a good impression. You can normally find him lurking around figures of seniority, resupplying them with booze and laughing manically at their jokes. By the end of the night you’ll find him sobbing in the toilets, frantically trying to re-polish his shoes for the 20^th time with a hand that’s now permanently fused into the handshake position.

The Drunk

The main course hasn’t even been served and she’s already pickled. You can normally find her lurking at the bar repeatedly shouting “shots” whilst searching her clutch bag for that £20 note she spent on a round of Jägerbombs 15 minutes ago. Initially she will be the life and soul of the party before inevitably descending into a downward spiral of tears, smeared makeup and explicit bra re-adjustments.

Mr Hyde

He’s normally the nicest bloke in the office, always on hand when you need someone to hold the lift or lend you 50p for a toffee crisp. Two pints of Fosters later though and he’s at the bar arguing loudly with someone about why Opal Fruits were renamed to Starbursts. For him, the night can only end in disaster as he storms out of the party in search of confrontation before passing out on a roundabout.

The Legend

He’s the one that everyone remembers the next day, from how many rounds he bought at the bar, to his epic joke that made Sandra from accounts pee herself. As long as The Legend is around no paralytic member of staff will go without a glass of tap water and no fight will take place without him breaking it apart.

The Loud One

No matter where you are in the room you will be unable to escape the voice of the Loud One. From her maniacal laughter to her loud commentary on anything and everything happening around her. Eventually, her shouting and excessive vodka consumption will reduce her bellowing voice to a hoarse rasp. You’ll think the worst is over, that is until she regains her voice on the dance floor and gives you acute tinnitus by shouting in your ear.

The Career Hawk

For the Career Hawk this party isn’t about letting his hair down and having fun, it’s about reminding the bosses of his various career highlights and impending 12 month review. You can normally find the Career Hawk with the directors, battling the Eager Newbie for their attention. In some extreme cases, the Career Hawk can actually become fused to a company director, with only the most skilled surgeons in the world capable of removing his nose from their bottom.

The Gossip

For a year now the Gossip has hovered between life and death, sustaining itself on a basic diet of unsubstantiated office rumours and Emmerdale omnibuses. It has patiently bided its time, waiting for the approach of the office Christmas party – a.k.a. feeding season. Now that the fateful day has arrived the Gossip can barely contain its excitement. All it needs now is a vantage point so it can perch silently, observing the delicious events unfolding.

The Bore

This is the person that everyone hopes to avoid at the Christmas party. Not that there is anything wrong with him… he’s just about as entertaining as the ingredients list on the back of an air freshener when you’re on the loo with nothing to read.  If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in a conversation with the Bore you can kiss the rest of your evening goodbye. All that awaits you now is a long evening of data analysis discussion and long term statistical projections.  

The Dancer

Much like the Gossip, the Dancer has been patiently waiting for the Christmas party to arrive. He’s spent years preparing for this moment, conditioning his body and choreographing his Whigfield Saturday Night dance routine to perfection. By midnight you’ll think you’ve seen it all, but when the beat of Rhythm is a Dancer hits its peak and the room fills with artificial smoke, he will emerge from a blinding light, clad head to toe in spandex, ready to dazzle you with a myriad of dance moves that no human eye could ever hope to comprehend.

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